I Like the Way it Hurts

I have been obsessing over this song ALL DAY. It must have played on the radio about 10 times today when I was running errands, and it caused an almost visceral reaction in me. I do not know why, but when I fantasize about a relationship, it is usually an extremely volatile one. Not that I would REALLY want to be in an abusive relationship, but for some reason, in the deepest realms of my mind I seem to associate dominance, jealousy and aggression with love.

When I meet a "nice" guy who treats me like a princess and really cares about me, I tend to push him away when I am at my sickest. And I gravitate towards the man who cannot love me the way I SHOULD want to be loved.

When I was 20, I had a brief experience with a man who laid his hands on me. It terrified me, but I went back to him the next day. And, every moment that we were together was filled with anxiety. A few weeks later, he hurt me again. And, I got away and never saw him again.

But, realistically, I know that if it had not been for my family keeping him away from me, it would have only been a matter of time before I went running back to him. And when he told me that him hitting me was proof that he cared, I believed him. For years after, I thought about this man, wishing that I could have been with him, but grateful that my family kept me from going back to him.

Now, I tend to gravitate towards men who are controlling and abusive. Now, I do not mean physically abusive (although if it came to that, in the state I am in right now, my feelings of "love" would override my common sense, particularly with one individual who I fantasize every day about being with)

For some reason, with a certain man, it excites me to be chastised, yelled at and insulted. I do not mean that I enjoy it at the moment, but I find myself gravitating more and more towards him the worse he treats me. I actually met a REALLY GREAT guy earlier this year who adored me, and told me so all the time, yet I could not commit to him because I was entranced with the controlling, domineering guy.

Now, I am not ALWAYS like this. I go through phases where I want to be dominated and controlled, and then I go back to "normal" and start looking for a man to love and respect me.

Someone once told me that every woman needs three men in her life: the romantic, the super stud and the gay best friend. Me, I need two men, one who will spoil me and love me, and one who will dominate me. Wouldn't live be perfect if I could find a man who was an amalgamation of both???

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